From the Halls of Twit
by "Blaze"

And now, for something REALLY important.

Breaking News:

The past four years have been witness to the most earthshaking, unusual event of the decade:

1/ Social engineers will be totally appalled to discover that
strange persons possessing absolutely no public lives whatsoever have been known to devote the entire routine cleansing periods known as “bath/shower” to the hedonistic compulsion known by several subcultures as playing “Marathon.” Suspected individuals are reputedly living without these hygiene renewal periods in order to maintain high output levels of non-synthetic adrenaline.

2/ Reports from several Ivy League Universities' Hospitals have disparaged the ongoing counterculture craze known as “Marathon” as distinctly harmful to the undone feces. Medical journals are rife with reports of proven results from actual university hospital monitored studies of persons developing colon diseases as a direct result of forced retention brought upon by the psycho functional disorder known as O.C.D.(Overstretched Colon Disease) all directly linked to the involvement with the computer generated entertainment “Marathon.” Persons developing this syndrome usually have little hope whatsoever except for the possibility of purchasing an extremely expensive home health care appliance for their computer work area better known as a swiveling, multi-position/function cushion-seated ergonomic toilet with retracting armrests.

3/ Unsettling accounts of dust disturbances have been pouring in from all households containing the computer game “Marathon.” Due to an incapacitated dextral forearm, the work station surface of the affected “victim” endures countless months of neglect. The obvious result of the bombardment of spores and mites on such a grand scale is total sinusitis of the frontal lobe leading to a detrimental combination of conditions known as singlemindedness and tunnel vision.

4/ European roentgenologists have recently concluded that overexposure to M rays from the ever-so-popular Marathon games has affected high school students by elevating S.A.T. scores by an average of 399.0709 points. In detriment however, the size and quantity of pimples on same students have increased by an average of 48.605 per cent due to the substantial intake of chocolate bars whose labels principally contain the three colors of brown, green and red - in that exact order. Scientific sources have yet to determine if the consumption of those particular products are due to the propensity of the candy industry to use those colors {or that perhaps said candies are more apt to be on sale} in February, May, and November coinciding with popular Nielsen ratings months.

5/ Worldwide dental hygiene experts, as well as dentists, have been overwhelmed by the fortuitous onslaught of microorganisms known as plaque {pronounced “plak”} emanating from the vast caverns consisting of gingivitis coated organically living or dead calcium-coated stalactites and stalagmites to be found in persons of the stick-in-the-mud professional office class who have yet to expose their 32 calcium deposits to no less than the usual 14 cups of hard core java during the usual two 15 minute break Marathon games and the one 30 minute cram session lunch.

6/ Leg hair ... That’s right - leg hair.


Doung Brown has just released a special report concerning Marathon and one other popular first person three-D game: In increasing cases, playing Pathways Into Darkness in conjunction with Marathon has caused the eyes to retreat to the back of the brain.

Back to The Table Of Contents